Two sides to love

   I know everyone has heard this before when someone says there is always two sides to love. Well, there definitely is. The pretty and the ugly, the pain and pleasure, the gentle and the harsh way. So many more that I could think of but don't care to remind myself. I don't really have to because life reminds me every day. It's not only love that can be that way, but life also has a two-way street and it's up to each soul which way they want to take. I blame myself everyday how I choose to live my life, and how much I choose to forgive the ones who hurt me. They also say "you gotta take the good with the bad", so every day I stay ready for the bad to come after the good. That's a sucky way of living life and I just now at my 43 years of age have started to realize it. Not really ready to accept it because that would mean I'm as ignorant as they come, and why did it take me so dam long to realize it. I start thinking of all the could've, should've, would've, and I really hate to confront my wrong's and all the damaged I've caused, and let other's cause me. Yea it sucks when you have to face reality and your stuck with facing the pain, and letting it defeat you or make you better. Still the sting of why till now lingers, and I'm left wondering if it's too late to repair, react, reset, and respond to my conflict. To face the turmoil and emotions you have been avoiding for so many years. That gut feeling that something you hold dear to your heart needs to end or will end. That you've been so wrong and on the wrong path for so long, you can't seem to find your way back. Or even find the start of a new path without that which is destroying you, why keep holding on or following someone down a path of self-destruction. How do you stop feeling guilty for leaving them on their own path, because they are not willing to change with you? Why? because we gotta take the good with the bad? You've chosen a different path before and it was worse, lonely, and cold, and it led you back to the same path, because the fear of facing your mistakes. Alone is a scary place to be, only the strong can be in that place. alone is remembering your un-loved, abandoned, and scared. Mentally for someone with trauma it is a living hell. So, you chose to take the pleasure with the pain because you want to feel loved even if it isn't real love. They also say, " It's never too late for Stella to get her groove back" Or something like that. It's harder than it seems for someone as weak minded as me, that's how I feel about myself at this very moment. I can't seem to react or want to face my wrong's, because I've been stuck here for too long. Knowing that I chose to make or take this certain path fucks with my mind. Love changes after the year's, taking it with the good and bad, feeling the pain and the pleasure, Ride and dying, to keep it together no matter what but it changes. So why can't one change to be a better person, and find a better kind of love without feeling guilty? You come to a certain place in life where you have to Do or Die, and that's the place I feel stuck in. I guess it's time to reevaluate my life and face the harsh truth of whatever may come.